You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
