Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
