my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
