when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
