ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize