there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
