He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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