I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
