Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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