Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
