So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
