So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
