i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
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I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
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So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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