I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
