Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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