She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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