Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
