Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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