Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
and you fell through a lawn chair
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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