Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
