Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
