drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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