if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
