I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
