I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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