I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
