I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
