someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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