Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
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