I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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