if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
