life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
