You don't have asthma, your pregnant
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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