I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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