I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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