I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
