1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
