Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
