I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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