I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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