I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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