your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
