just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Randomize
