Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
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I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
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I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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