So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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