Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
