Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
