haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
