she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
