Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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