a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
