Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
