just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
