it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize