This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
