Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
