Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
