there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
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I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
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Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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