mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
