It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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