My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
