Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
