Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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